Buzz is the Word

After all the medical tests and procedures I've gone through in the past two months ... the days I've had to hold it together even when it seemed impossible ... the things I've had to decide and sort out ... it kind of catches me off guard how traumatic it is to lose my hair.

It's not like it was a surprise, I knew from the moment the words "you have breast cancer" were spoken that it most likely meant chemo and hair loss. People try with good intentions to tell me it's just hair, it's not a big deal, it will grow back ... but I think in some really primal way, it feels like a final dignity that has been stripped from me in the whole process. By the time I get through chemo, surgery and radiation, won't I have had to deal with enough in a physical sense, do I have to look different too? I had a meltdown last night and then it was time, and the shaving was underway. I've heard of people having head shaving parties and just having fun with it ... but that wasn't working for me. I told the kids no laughing or making fun of me, because I was definitely on the edge emotionally. And they did well, even though I know it has to be unsettling for them as well. I didn't sleep very well, lots of tossing and turning and very aware of the different sensations greeting my head on the pillow.

So this morning I sit here with a part of me that feels much like an alien, not quite sure how to best go out and live the day. Do I leave in a wig? Or a scarf? I'm not at a point where I can hold my head up and walk out as is right now, so I have to find that new sense of self confidence. Maybe I just feel entitled to have this kind of day today, because I've held up well overall, and everyone is due a down point in a medical process that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

At some point the right coverage will present itself, and I'll continue to move forward. One day at a time, just like I've done every single day since March 15.