After radiation today, I walked back toward the waiting room and the nurse said, "Wait! We have to have your party!" and she opened up a well-worn Hallmark card that plays music. Suddenly the old classic song "Shout!" filled the room ... and if that wasn't enough to bring a smile to my face, she pulled out a little bottle of bubbles and started blowing them through a tiny little wand, haha. It was one of those moments where you laugh and cry all at once. This nurse has showed me lots of extra love and care the past few visits with my burns, always making sure that I had whatever ointments, creams, bandages, dressings that I needed to help me in some way. She has insisted on looking at my skin every day for the past couple of weeks, even though you generally only have a check up with the nurse once each week. And she has tip-toed along a thin line of asking how I'm doing and showing compassion ... but not pushing me to the point where I got overly emotional in the office. She knew just how much to ask and if I was getting close to the emotional edge and it felt like tears might start falling, she immediately lightened the conversation. I have been so blessed with medical care and medical personnel. I can't imagine it could have been any better anywhere else.
My follow-up appointment with the radiation oncologist was already set for January 29 ... but after taking a look at my burns today, he decided that he also needs to see me next Monday to be sure things are healing as they should. At this point, one of the 3 burn areas is a little bit better ... but the other 2 are intensifying. The important part now is keeping everything dry and getting some air, and doing gentle cleansing of the areas to avoid infection. I'm hoping that each day this week will bring some signs of healing and relief. I'm ready to sleep well again, to be able to turn my neck fully from side to side, not feel loopy and queasy from pain meds, and just not be in a state of fairly continuous discomfort.
My burns are hard for me to deal with, but they are also very hard for others to look at. I hate that the kids even need to see them, but I at least have to keep the one around my neck uncovered and getting air to help it heal. But it's not easy for them. I went to work today and my assistant burst into tears when she saw my neck. People just look at it and know how much it hurts, and they wish they could take away your pain and discomfort. I am loved, and I know that every minute of every day. You can't ask for more than that.
So I tried to get some things done at work today and did some shuttling of kids tonight to and from sports practices ... but in every down moment, I find myself thinking about where we go from here. I want so badly to just move forward with blind faith that all of these chemicals and surgeries and radiation that my body has endured have completely eradicated the cancer from my body. I'm a glass is half full person, and I always find the positive side ... but it's really, really hard. I think it's not that I'm looking for the negative, but rather, I'm facing the reality. I'm sure I'll get better at balancing the good and bad days, but my emotions are in high gear right now. Partly because of what a big day today was, and partly due to the pain meds and emotions that have taken over my life in the last 7-10 days. I just need to take a deep breath, heal and live for the next couple of weeks. I am going to try really hard just to do that.
In a couple of weeks I'm scheduled to be out of town for 4 days at a national conference ... my first business trip in almost 2 years. It will be good to get away and think of other things, see people from across the country who have been aware of my battle but not close enough to be connected, and just enjoy a few days without medical appointments. The day after I return there will be blood work to be done, and early the week after, an appointment with both the medical oncologist and the radiation oncologist. So I'll be jumping right back on the medical merry-go-round.
But the big difference is, from here forward I'll be going to appointments as a survivor.
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