Perspective

I've had the words for this blog post spinning around in my head for a few days as I try to grasp and accept the changed perspective I have on life after cancer diagnosis.

I'm finding that my view of other people's problems, as they perceive them, is that their problems aren't quite as bad as they think in most cases. Does that make me jaded or bitter about what's going on in my life, and less sympathetic to what's going on in theirs? Or is it because my focus has been sharpened to what is truly important, and the rest of life's problems aren't really problems at all ... but rather just routine challenges and inconveniences? I'm not sure.

A good example of this would be with my mom ... who is approaching her 80th birthday and declining in physical health and mental sharpness. When she calls me crying as if the world has ended and telling me what a terrible, terrible day it has been for her ... and then I find out the reason she's upset is that the nursing home didn't make her bed (and honestly, they may have and she hasn't noticed they did) ... I find myself wishing to have a day so terrible. I find myself thinking that what a terrible day truly is would be the day someone speaks the words to you that you have cancer, or the look of fear on your children's faces when you tell them the news, or the day your hair falls out due to chemo. I could think of a half dozen more, and certainly there are many more than just unique to my own situation and diagnosis. In the grand scheme of things, many people have it worse than I do.

But I find that I can't muster the same sympathy and compassion for these things that other people consider to be big problems in their lives. I hope I can come more back to the middle of the scale and understand their concerns again at some point. But for now, I'm changed.

Today is another good example ... it's my birthday. Every year in the past, I'm pretty sure that I only thought about how old I am, how many years I've celebrated, where to go out for dinner to celebrate this one, etc. Today is different. Today I'm not deep in thought about how many I've celebrated so far, but my focus feels more like wondering how many I have left.

Perspective. Mine has changed.