Four Months

The 15th of the month marks the anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis ... now four months past, and much forward progress has taken place in that short time. My life changed forever that day. For over a  quarter of a year, I have know that I have cancer. I have known that medical treatments would need to invade my body and do some physical damage in exchange for the hope of having a positive outcome. Four months ago I sat with my head in my hands and wondered if this was the end ... if I would be around to see my kids all finish college, get married, have families.

In many ways, I'm in the easy part of this journey. Our world was shaken last spring with the diagnosis and we dealt with many things ... but soon, life for the family seemed to return to normal. The kids don't worry quite as much. The appointments and lab tests and treatments became part of my routine. Life goes on ... and it needs to, but it is a strange feeling when it goes on for everyone except you. My heart will never forget the terror of wondering about the future, and I appreciate little things more than I used to. The old "live like you are dying" mentality I guess. I don't want my kids to struggle with the thoughts daily and I'm glad they have found some peace and can enjoy life more again ... but right now I don't see that my soul will ever be able to move on and fully erase the feelings of diagnosis day. I am forever changed. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Chemo treatments have gone well, and I do believe with all my being that a positive attitude and spirit have contributed to that progress. Now that I've reached the mid-point of chemo and surgery is just 10 weeks away, new battle plans are forming in my head. Thoughts of surgery, recovery, wounds and scars. Diagnosis changed me on the inside, and surgery forever changes me on the outside. I attended a support group program this week on reconstructive surgery and saw first-hand how the physical and emotional changes of a mastectomy live on forever in a woman's soul. Scars heal, but emotions and feelings live on.

Someone said recently about my diagnosis "This too shall pass" ... and while it will in the physical sense, I wonder if they know it will never truly pass from my heart. I guess that is one of those moments in life that you only understand what you experience, and for that person who has not experienced a personal cancer diagnosis they feel when it's over, it will be over. Maybe it even seems like it's already over since I'm feeling pretty good through treatment and don't show many physical signs that I'm battling daily for my life. But the battle goes on, and the wounds are on the inside ... and while the physical battle will someday pass, the mental fight lives on.